I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We are two peas in an std pod
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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