I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
