so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
