Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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