I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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