Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
