wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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