hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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