You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
