textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
