I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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