i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
