apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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