Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
