They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
