Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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