omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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