my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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