life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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