Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
