I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I faked an abortion last night.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
