Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
