the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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