rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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