I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
