i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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