Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
