So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
