Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
