I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
is it fun? or sober?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
