she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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