Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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