my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
