I wish life had little blips of pornography
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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