he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
