Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
