I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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