I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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