so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
