Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
