Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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