I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
