I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
