Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
