sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
