she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
