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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
