Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
