Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
