Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
