turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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