I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
